Packin' Loads

~~Our review:~~ **Packin' Loads**' ingredients: Six all beef patties, special spooge, frottage, grease, big pickles, on an open-sesame seedy bun! Co-produced by Brandon (whom Raging Stallion have been promising me for my birthday!) under his "Monster Bang" wing - so titled after his desire to give his monster monster a name. Now, I've always felt uncomfortable with guys who need to give their dong a moniker, but Brandon is cute and shares his name with an actor who once dated Lindsay Wagner and also made Dempsey and Makepeace so I'll forgive him. And Raging Stallion has so many departments now it should be renamed Bloomingdales.
You may remember the first Monster Bang video, Resort to Anything, but you'll never forget the second: Stick it In!, with its fab leather theme. Well, third time around they've gone all haystacks and cowboy. It'll be like Hee Haw with full-frontal nudity and less banjos. We begin with Brandon moving house and stumbling through his porno collection. He finds one called Hayride Ho's, gets tempted and loads it into the player. Now, the first thing I do when I move apartments is make a nice hot cup of tea, but to each his own. Brandon gets naked and performs a great solo filled with his usual penile rhythmic-aerobics: a blow here, a slap there (but can it do the ribbon dance?). Your lips will get moist - and not the ones that you kiss with. All the classic Brandon elements are there: hot and sweaty body, tasting his own pre-cum, using both hands and spraying his seed with gattling-gun intensity. But even though I'm Brandon's biggest fan (and wannabe stalker) it's a good eighteen minutes into the film before we see anyone else having sex! (Slight ego?) Oh, but he licks up his own cum. Nice.

Next we get to see a few scenes from Hayride Ho's, the flick Brandon was doing the "monster mash" to (it was a graveyard smash!). In it Enrico Vega is fiddling about with a prop-box - what do you need a tin-hat on a hayride for? Mr. Dirty Director himself, Soldier, spies him flicking through a porno mag and being aroused by a boot (?) and though Vega's body is currently slightly soft he's still hot enough to give Soldier a woody. The two finally see each other jerking and before you can say "ride 'em cowboy" Soldier is on all-fours giving Vega some sorely needed mouth-to-cock resuscitation. This leads to a great facefuck scene that has Soldier losing his cowboy hat in a very novel way before almost showering foreskinned Vega in puke as his cock hits Soldier's throat's "retch button". Vega's tool totally drooled over, he returns the favor, causing Soldier to groan in such a bass manner I thought the soundtrack had suddenly gone all Dawn of the Dead on me. And Vega gets his own "vomit trigger" hit, too. Kinky! Entrees end with amazing rimjobs and it's time to serve up the main course: cowpoke! Soldier gives up his scorching ass to our mucho chico Latino hombre and they fuck all over the barn set, including a fabulous segment in a bathtub (bathtub?). Soldier redefines the term power-bottoming as he thrusts himself up and down on Vega's throbsword. This "bonanza" ends with Vega pumping the jizz right out of Soldier - it's a gusher - before sweaty Vega joins him. No wonder Brandon spunked-up when he watched this scene.

A second Hayride scene sees black and white unite, in a great sequence that debuts the talents of two megastars in the making. Black Rod (aka Rod Hardon) and hunky white Fletcher are the dynamic duo dripping with raw sex appeal as we crash their party mid-coitus. Rod is tongue-fucking Fletcher before he sticks his massive black python all the way down his partner's throat. (Gag reflex? What gag reflex?) The two indulge in a bit of "dipping" (anything to provoke controversy, eh?) and finger-fucking before the stretched Fletcher plays good dawgie and offers up his hole for a rapturous rupturing ride from Rod. Fletcher takes it like a man but Rod can give it even harder and this supercharged scene is so hot I was worried the bales of hay would combust. When Fletcher cums (with such a cry I thought he'd sprained something) it's a joy to behold, and with Rod following suit it made me feel like it was Christmas Day all over again. And these two are both new? Wow. Welcome to Hollywood guys.

Back in the real world Brandon is spied by cutie Starr (another newcomer). Brandon is still jerking off (has this guy got Tina-Dick or what?) so Starr wastes no time wrapping his lips around the Loch Ness Beast, Brandon facefucking his buddy for all it's worth (in what looks like speeded up action). The oral never seems to stop - neither want it to - as once Starr has swallowed it whole, he's determined to do it every time. Quite often the main star will just lie back and enjoy the attention but this is Brandon here, and he gives as good as he gets, both with sucking and tongue-fucking in an extended sequence that'll make you turn the air-conditioner on full just to keep you cool. When mere mortals would've popped their cookies, rolled over and started snoring these two haven't even begun to fuck, but when they do, Starr receives such a jackhammering the veins on his temples look in danger of exploding! Brandon once again proves he's a pneumatic power-fucker and you are powerless to resist. Both finally blast Starr's chest with motion-lotion and Brandon lets out such a roar I had to hit mute lest I woke up the neighbors. And so Monster Bang ends for yet another day.

If there was a fault, it would be that they needed one more sex scene. I remember when Raging Stallion movies were so filthy my TV got crabs. Here the bromide kicked in slightly, but three hot debut performers ensure that **Packin' Loads** will keep packing 'em in. Let's hope that Monster Bang's Monster Ball just keeps on rolling. --~~Froufrou A. Gogo~~